Humour - Text Based
Reasons
it's great to be a guy...
Think
this is sexist? - Well, it is kinda, I suppose,
so here are Reasons it's great to
be a gal
- Phone conversations
are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie
nudity is virtually always female.
- You know
stuff about tanks and boats.
- A five
day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- Monday
Nite Football.
- You don't
have to monitor your friends sex lives.
- Your bathroom
lines are 80% shorter.
- You can
open all your own jars.
- Old friends
don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
- Dry cleaners
and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
- When clicking
through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.
- Your ass
is never a factor in a job interview.
- All your
orgasms are real.
- A beer
gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
- Guys in
hockey masks don't attack you.
- You don't
have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
- You understand
why Stripes is funny.
- You can
go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last
name stays put.
- You can
leave a hotel bed unmade.
- When your
work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly
hates you.
- You can
kill your own food.
- The garage
is all yours.
- You get
extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- You see
the humor in Terms of Endearment
- Nobody
secretly wonders if you swallow.
- You never
have to clean the toilet.
- You can
be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
- Sex means
never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding
plans take care of themselves.
- If someone
forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
- Your underwear
is $10 for a three pack.
- The National
College Cheerleading Championship
- None of
your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
- You don't
have to shave below your neck.
- You don't
have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
- If you're
34 and single nobody notices.
- You can
write your name in the snow (extra credit for "no hands").
- You can
get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
- Everything
on your face stays its original color.
- Chocolate
is just another snack.
- You can
be President.
- You can
quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat (no stopping
for directions).
- Flowers
fix everything.
- You never
have to worry about other people's feelings.
- You get
to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
- You can
wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three
pair of shoes are more than enough.
- You can
eat a banana in a hardware store.
- You can
say anything and not worry about what people think.
- Foreplay
is optional.
- Michael
Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
- Nobody
stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
- You can
whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You don't
have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
- You never
feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- Car mechanics
tell you the truth.
- You don't
give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- You can
watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking "He must be mad at me"
- The world
is your urinal.
- You never
misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about
to leave you.
- You get
to jump up and slap stuff.
- Hot wax
never comes near you pubic area.
- One mood,
all the time.
- You can
admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like
him.
- You never
have to drive to another gas station because this one's just
too skeevy.
- You know
at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
- You can
sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
- Same work....more
pay.
- Gray hair
and wrinkles add character.
- You don't
have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
- Wedding
Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- You don't
care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
- With 400
million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population
in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't
mooch off others' desserts.
- If you
retain water, it's in a canteen.
- The remote
is yours and yours alone.
- People
never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- ESPN's
sports center.
- You can
drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
- Bachelor
parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
- You have
a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You can
buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
- You needn't
pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
- If you
don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your
friends you've changed.
- Someday
you'll be a dirty old man.
- You can
rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
- If another
guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
lifelong buddies.
- Princess
Di's death was almost just another obituary.
- The occasional
well-rendered belch is practically expected.
- You never
have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the
mood.
- Farting
is considered a competitive sport.
- If something
mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw
it across the room.
- New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- Porn movies
are designed with your mind in mind.
- You don't
have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
- Not liking
a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
- Your pals
can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything
different?"
- Baywatch
- There
is always a game on somewhere.
DISCLAIMER:
The Above does not necessarily represent my personal views, I
just thought it was funny ;)
(Actually
I take that back - I agree with the majority of it) :p
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